There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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