Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
