why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
