i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
