He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
