Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
