So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
