cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
