No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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