that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
