you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
