I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
where are you?
Hypothermia
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
