so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
