I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
