I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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