I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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