I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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