I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
