Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it was like having sex with a tree stump
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
