I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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