I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
