If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Everything about him screamed your future.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
