The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
