i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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