you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
PANTIES FOUND
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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