so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
