i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
