The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Sober January is a disaster.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
