This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
