weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
its liver damage thursday
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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