I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't deserve a penis
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
