I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
