Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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