I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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