When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Did I show you my penis last night?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
