He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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