Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
