I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
