You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
