this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
