I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
