I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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