Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
