I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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