we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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