Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
