Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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