I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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