All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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