He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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