I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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